How ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) Can Help Individuals Going Through Divorce
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a highly effective therapeutic approach for individuals going through divorce. ACT is centered around promoting psychological flexibility, which helps individuals navigate difficult emotions, embrace change, and act in alignment with their values, even in the face of challenging life events like divorce. Below are the core ACT techniques that are particularly helpful for managing the emotional turmoil and life adjustments during and after divorce:
1. Cognitive Defusion
Cognitive defusion helps individuals detach from unhelpful thoughts and feelings, reducing their impact. During a divorce, people often experience negative thoughts such as “I’ll never find love again,” or “I am a failure.” These thoughts can fuel anxiety, sadness, and self-criticism. ACT teaches clients to view thoughts as just thoughts, not as facts.
• Example: A client may have the thought, “I’m unlovable because my marriage ended.” The therapist may guide the client to reframe this thought by saying, “I’m having the thought that I’m unlovable,” which helps the client recognize the thought without identifying with it. This technique makes it easier for the person to not act on those thoughts or let them dictate their emotions.
• Technique: Encourage clients to engage in “thought-stopping” or mindful labeling of their thoughts, such as saying, “I’m noticing the thought that this divorce means my life is over,” rather than believing it as absolute truth.
2. Mindfulness and Present-Moment Awareness
Mindfulness is one of the core components of ACT. It encourages individuals to stay focused on the present moment, rather than getting caught up in ruminating on the past (e.g., why the marriage ended) or worrying excessively about the future (e.g., will I be okay after the divorce?).
• Example: When a client feels overwhelmed by grief or anxiety, the therapist may guide them through a mindfulness exercise, such as focusing on their breath or the physical sensations of their body. This helps the client stay grounded and reduces the emotional intensity of distressing thoughts about the divorce.
• Technique: The therapist might ask the client to engage in breathing exercises or a body scan meditation, where they focus on how their body feels in the present moment (e.g., noticing the sensation of their feet on the floor or the air entering their lungs). This practice calms the mind and helps break the cycle of overwhelming emotions.
3. Acceptance of Difficult Emotions
Acceptance is a key principle in ACT, and it’s particularly important during a divorce. People going through divorce often experience a range of intense emotions such as grief, anger, sadness, shame, or fear about the future. Rather than trying to avoid or suppress these emotions, ACT encourages clients to accept them, allowing them to experience their emotions without judgment or resistance.
• Example: A client may feel deep sadness about the end of the marriage. Rather than trying to push the sadness away, the therapist helps the client acknowledge, “It’s okay to feel sad right now. This is a natural response to loss.” This approach reduces the power of the emotion over time by allowing it to pass more freely.
• Technique: Encourage clients to practice radical acceptance, where they acknowledge that some aspects of the divorce (such as their partner’s behavior or the dissolution of the marriage) are outside their control. They can’t change the past, but they can choose how they respond moving forward.
4. Values Clarification and Committed Action
Divorce can lead individuals to question their identity and future goals. Values clarification is a crucial technique in ACT that helps individuals reconnect with what truly matters to them, beyond the emotional pain of the divorce. By clarifying their values, clients can take committed action that aligns with these values, creating a sense of purpose and direction.
• Example: A client who is struggling with co-parenting after a divorce might clarify that one of their core values is “being a loving, supportive parent.” Once this value is clear, the therapist can help the client identify actions that align with that value, such as improving communication with the ex-spouse for the benefit of the children or focusing on quality time with the kids.
• Technique: The therapist may guide the client through a values exploration exercise to identify what is most important to them (e.g., family, personal growth, creativity). Once values are clarified, the client is encouraged to set goals and engage in actions that reflect those values, helping them move forward with intention, even in the midst of the emotional chaos of divorce.
5. Self-as-Context (Observer Self)
In ACT, clients are encouraged to adopt a perspective of self-as-context, which involves seeing themselves as the observer of their thoughts and feelings, rather than as the sum of those thoughts and feelings. This perspective fosters greater psychological flexibility and helps individuals detach from negative self-perceptions that may arise during divorce, such as feelings of failure or inadequacy.
• Example: A person going through divorce may have thoughts like, “I’m a failure because my marriage ended.” Through ACT, the therapist would encourage them to adopt the observer stance: “I am the person noticing the thought that I’m a failure.” This separation from the thought allows the client to see it as just a transient mental event, not as an immutable truth about themselves.
• Technique: Using metaphors, the therapist might compare the self-as-context to being the sky, while thoughts and emotions are like clouds that come and go. This helps clients see that they are not defined by their emotions or thoughts, which are temporary and ever-changing.
6. Defusion from Relationship Narratives
During divorce, many clients get caught in negative self-narratives about the breakdown of their marriage, often blaming themselves or their ex-spouse. ACT helps individuals defuse from these relationship narratives by recognizing that they are stories, not facts, and that they do not define the person’s entire identity.
• Example: A person might hold the belief, “I failed at marriage” or “I am not capable of being in a healthy relationship.” The therapist helps them recognize that these are simply narratives they’ve developed, and they do not determine their future.
• Technique: The therapist might ask, “What’s the story you’re telling yourself about this divorce?” and then guide the client to explore alternative narratives that empower them—such as focusing on lessons learned, personal growth, or their ability to rebuild their life.
7. Engaging in Meaningful Activities (Behavioral Activation)
Divorce can lead to emotional numbness or withdrawal, and it’s easy for individuals to isolate themselves or avoid engaging in life. ACT encourages clients to take meaningful actions, even when they don’t feel motivated, based on their values.
• Example: If a client values fitness and health, but feels demotivated due to sadness from the divorce, the therapist might encourage them to set small goals for exercise (e.g., taking a walk or doing yoga), even if it feels difficult. These actions, aligned with the client’s values, help build a sense of accomplishment and purpose.
• Technique: The therapist may help the client create a behavioral activation plan, where they commit to engaging in activities that bring them joy, promote self-care, or align with their values (e.g., spending time with friends, starting a new hobby, or volunteering). These actions help shift focus from the negative emotional state to proactive steps in healing.
8. Compassionate Self-Talk
Divorce often leads to feelings of guilt, shame, or self-blame. ACT teaches clients to practice self-compassion, offering themselves the same kindness and understanding they would offer a close friend going through a similar experience.
• Example: Instead of harshly criticizing themselves for the divorce (“I should have done more to save the marriage”), clients are encouraged to treat themselves with compassion: “This is a tough time. It’s okay to feel hurt. I’m doing the best I can right now.”
• Technique: Clients may be encouraged to write a self-compassionate letter, where they acknowledge the pain of the divorce and offer themselves understanding and care, much as they would do for a loved one in a similar situation.
Conclusion:
ACT offers a powerful set of tools to help individuals navigate the emotional turbulence of divorce. By focusing on acceptance, mindfulness, defusion from distressing thoughts, and values-based action, ACT empowers individuals to respond to their emotions with greater flexibility and to engage in behaviors that lead to a more meaningful life, even in the midst of significant change. These techniques not only help manage the immediate pain of divorce but also support long-term psychological resilience and growth.
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