LIKE A THERAPIST: Tackle People-Pleasing

LIKE A THERAPIST: Tackle People-Pleasing

Challenge People-Pleasing Like a Therapist

Wix slug: `/blog/challenge-people-pleasing-like-a-therapist`

Excerpt: Sometimes "I'm just a nice person" is true. Sometimes it is anxiety wearing a cardigan.

Meta description: Explore people-pleasing, approval seeking and fear of rejection with therapist-style questions.

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Are you purely kind, or…are you terrified that someone will be upset with you?

I ask with love, and I ask as someone who has had to answer it.

People-pleasing looks virtuous from the outside. Helpful. Accommodating. Easygoing. Always available. Inside, however, an entirely different process may be running: are they mad, did I say something wrong, should I apologize, should I send one more message explaining the previous message that explained the original message?

Ask:

- What am I trying to prevent by pleasing this person?

- What do I imagine will happen if they are disappointed?

- Is this kindness, or am I trying to manage how they see me? 

- Am I trying to manage someone else’s emotions? Minimize someone else’s natural consequences?

- What does my yes cost me?

- What would my honest answer be?

- Whose approval am I still trying to earn?

- What would happen if someone misunderstood me?

- Can another person dislike my decision without my decision being wrong?

People-pleasing rests on an illusion of control: if I can keep everybody happy, I can keep myself safe. It is an understandable strategy and frequently a learned one, developed in an environment where somebody's mood really did determine how the evening was going to go. Unfortunately, human beings insist on having independent emotions. Rude, really.

Freedom begins at the point where you can tolerate the possibility that someone is disappointed in you and still remain connected to yourself. You do not have to become inconsiderate to get there. You simply have to stop offering yourself up as ongoing proof that you care.

Therapy connection: If your sense of safety depends on everyone around you being pleased, therapy can help you build a steadier foundation.